“I” Message

Purpose
In any conflict, it is important that the people involved understand one another’s
thoughts and feelings. “I” Messages are a way for a person to communicate clearly, but
without insults, blames, or threats, how he or she feels about a problem. They are a key
part of the Problem Solving—My Part process, in which students take some time to
cool down and think about a problem before they attempt a solution.

Breaking It Down
An “I” Message has three parts:
1. I feel…. In the first part of an “I” Message, a student states
how he or she feels as a result of the current situation.
2. …when you…. In the second part, the student states what
behavior has caused this feeling.
3. …and I would like…. In the final part, the student names
something that he or she would like to see happen as part of
the resolution to the problem.
An example would be: “I felt embarrassed when you called me
ugly and stupid today at recess. I would like you to apologize and
not call me names anymore.”

Fine-Tuning the Technique
■ It is important to differentiate between feelings and actions when developing an
“I” Message. The first part of an “I” Message must state what the students feel
inside. The second and third parts must each contain a clear description of an
observable behavior: something specific they can see or hear. The students may
use sentence stems other than “I feel…when you…and I would like…,” but they
should always include these three distinct sections in their “I” Messages.

■ Remind the students to use their emotional vocabulary to identify and describe
feelings when building an “I” Message. If the students lack sufficient words to
describe their range of feelings, first work with them on building a stronger
emotional vocabulary. (See the Emotional Thermometer section.)

■ If there is more than one problem between two students, each student should
prepare an “I” Message and decide together which problem to work on first.

■ Sometimes the students focus on surface problems while the underlying
source of conflict remains hidden. For instance, hitting or name-calling might
be symptoms of a deeper conflict like not knowing how to share. For lasting
solutions, help the students identify, explore, and resolve the root issues, not
just those on the surface.

■ An effective “I” Message is the first step, but not a solution in itself. Once the
students develop their “I” Messages, they must still use Problem Solving—My
Part and Our Part to come up with a solution that works for everyone involved.